well, shit.

time to shape up. use my burps as a chastity belt and unshaven legs as repellent. although I've come to notice that the less i try the worse things i do so lord help me i guess I'll feign an act of courageous, boring splendor until the New Years. until december 30th. bleh. or maybe I'll just wear a big cloth vagina on my head.

lawdy

I can't stop listening to this. It's like grizzly bear and fleet foxes found a nice little brother. It's only a demo, but worth it.

boner

i feel like i don't have friends anymore.

the breeze on my cheeks tickles to a grin. sweat trickling down your neck. i want to find my power animal. i've been searching for inspiration but you can't force it. and yet, you could fill yourself so full of something that the edges of the room will fade into one and move, and more of what's in your mind becomes the express of your being. allowing control before you understand it can only lead to muddled thoughts. i want to find myself- but the self that I envision, not what i emulate or otherwise believe myself to be exuding. slippery thoughts simply work to tease my dreams into a frenzy that not even lucidity could empower. aspirations are becoming liquid fibs and exhausted attempts at productivity.

and now a sappy poem from 2006:

lost without an understand of where

my shoes have gone. serendipity or

just callused feet. a grin full of air,

time to remind them what you're here for.

starting to look forward to thanksgiving. i miss my family, and really really really need a break from school. i thought my senior year was going to be a coast, but no. even more disgruntling than ever. i feel like the only thing keeping me going is my delusional search for acceptance from my teachers. i've become such a kiss ass.

still excited to graduate. even more excited for a nativity throwdown. i like it when everybody comes back during the holidays, for the most part

fuck it suck it pluck it die

I found this photographer today, and was really fascinated by his work with albatross chicks. the chicks are accidentally fed garbage and usually die from choking or starvation. the pictures are unaltered, even to the extent of the placement of the plastic. is it awful to think that these look really great? This is his work:

http://www.chrisjordan.com/

i can't stop listening to fugazi lately, and I'm thinkin that's what i'll be listening to tonight for the meteor shower. i also started cleaning my room, and want to shoot myself. there's no way i'm going to be able to take a third of the crap i own when i have to move. oh my god. i'm acknowledging that i'm moving. feels weird. but not as sad as it used to. everyone's growing up and going to leave eventually, i might as well jump on the train. toot toot. oh yes: quad city djs

I wish the world was required to dress to this extent. i need to find a lifestyle where i get to play dress up everyday and some cigarettes and ride ponies and oh the swimming. i think i may have just promised myself to the circus. lion tamer. sequins on my ass and feathers in my hair, to distract the cats, naturally. i wouldn't mind roller skating everyday, and or just sitting around and draw tiny little pictures for my friends. i am 22 years old, and i don't know who i am. world's ever changing, eh?

i wish i had a green hat made of foam - adorned with flowers, their stems never shown

thinking thinking thinking seriously about rhyming. and beat. i don't feel like myself right now, but oh dreary me, maybe i ne'er known who i am. i was watching Intervention last night and really liked the meth head's bangs. i altered my appearance because something on television struck me. good lord. also- i find myself more irritated that computers don't have predictive text keypads. does that make sense?

wish i had some free time

I just discovered Kienholz today. I realize I am probably completely ignorant for not having encountered this before, but shit. I really appreciate the intimacy and availability of his work, although I can't say I really adore politically infused art. But, I appreciate the scale and somehow it really makes me want structure, a tidiness around me that encourages focus on the detail of things.

hoo boy

Tunak Tunak

Shared via AddThis

i like this because it reminds me of mortal kombat. which is my favorite movie. well, one of them. I would say The Page Master would be my favorite. Or Milo and Otis. It's a tie. I remember last summer when I tricked everyone into watching TPM on the projector in my living room. nice.

polly pocket

I think primordial dwarfs are cute

chuddy duddy nom nom

Summer has stretched the tips of its toes into the lazy pool of mediocrity and I am being pushed further into the pulpy muck of freedom. I haven't quite reached the point where I'm ready for school to start, but I'm having a difficult time biding my time. Almost in the sense that there is so much to do I can only do nothing in reaction.

i feel like an asshole for not having any real problems.

the indiscretion of my bicycle

June, you are a nasty little bitch and i hope you get mugged. I feel like everything is beginning to unravel now that summer school is over. I must maintain these feelings of creation and stop taking so many naps.

I had a pretty killer bike wipe-out early this week. I flashed back to reality when the rain came down the the shit lip of lower Vermillion. This brings to note the fact that I have apparently lost my diction. One stupid comment and now I am at a loss for expression.

where that summer stink at?

i am caught at the anxious point of a pre-natal summer and find myself getting... twitchy. Every little noise is making me jump, and I have become certain of figures behind me, which are regrettably gone every time I look around. The thought has absorbed into my skin, and I am positive that there is a tick somewhere in my hair... it's just very good at hiding. nonsense, god dammit. 

this summer I have decided that I am going to try and make a new dress every day. I have digressed from having the stipulation of wearing every new outfit on the day of its production, it's just not possible. And i usually fuck something up so it's not immediately available. but you gots to keep those hands busy ya know?

I want my summer to look a whole lot like this.

and not so much like this.

I also would like to learn Morse code.

hey derr

summer of the god damn sexes, eh?

I feel cruel, but in a good way. 

I think that Whitney Houston's "I'm every woman" could be dubbed over anything.

$$$

well well well, April. You sure are a bitch, aren't you?

last night I was in Sioux Falls staying at my parents' house and B-nizz (mom) and I decided to go hot tubbing. I didn't have a swim suit with me, but since I had been heavily drinking whiskey for the previous two hours, I didn't really have any qualms with going naked. thankfully b-nizz is a bigger lush than I am, and didn't have a problem with my lack of attire. 

So: we make one more drink and after an extremely awkward submersion, we are tubbin! b-nizz gets sick of it after about twenty minutes but fuck dood, I still have half a drink left so I opt to stay. B-nizz forgot her towel, so she had to borrow mine to go inside, taking it only with a promise of pinky swear magnitude to return it after she dried off inside.

fast forward twenty minutes.

Drink is gone. Towel is still gone. I have given up on B but am now hankerin for a cigarette. I figure, it's one in the morning, everyone is asleep; I can just run inside quick, grab a towel and a smoke, and be back in the water, no problem. 

well.

To my absolute horror: the door is locked. B-nizz is a drunk bitch and locked the door behind her, having NO intention of returning my towel and apparently not giving a shit that she has left me outside. NAKED.

after procuring a small sapling for coverage and pounding the shit out of my sister's window to no avail, I am forced to go to go to our front fucking door and start a knockin. and and and who of course has to be the one to get out of bed?

MY GOD DAMN FATHER

so:

1. drunk

2. nipples

3. awkward

happy easter.

fever sprouts

i have been having the strangest dreams as of late, of i couldn't be happier. I was stuck in the mud as far as my celestial adventures were concerned, so it's about god damn time. i think it's all the broccoli that I've been eating.

last night was illuminating, to say the least. I'm excited to kick my own as these next two months. business time, bub.

hollow resonation in my heart

 birthday present, please. not that i'll be getting any, because i have been nothing short of an asshole as of late. 

must be all the 40zzzzzzzzz

i am vurry curry happy and that is all that i can say.

she's not a tramp, her name is judy

This has been the best few days in a long time. for myself, it reclaims a confidence in existence, the reassurance that I'm going to be just fine. I'm looking forward to new things, new people, fuckin see ya dood. 

i think i'm losing my hearing, or maybe i just have a sinus infection. sometimes i worry that i am a hypochondriac. i keep finding things wrong with myself that are normal, and then next thing you know, i have a bug bite on a bruise and turns out it's leukemia. webMD has put me on the tracks son.

I had four cigarettes yesterday and two today. HA! this is easy.

you've always been a television actress!

i had a staring contest with myself today, in the sense that i wanted to see how long i could keep my eyes open without blinking, and I found it easier to not blink if you are focusing on something that isn't moving, nothing too distracting. crouching on the couch, i just stared into my mirror. i only got to about two minutes because my eyes were so dry, but fuck. there reached a point, where i felt myself panicking, and becoming overwrought with doubt. Every time I moved my eye, I couldn't tell if i was closing it, or just moving it. I started breathing really shallowly, and then my eye started twitching! I felt my nose start to flare, but fought to contain myself because I have come to realize how disarming it is. I'm not saying that I think I am synonymous with nose flaring, but more that it allows people to read me too easily, since they've learnt my tics, because I am always mad. 

as I'm really starting to feel like I'm going to lose it, my vision started going blurry. I felt like i was slowly unzipping my face. I felt transient in my skin, and became immediately aware how chapped my lips were. that's when you have to dart your tongue out of your mouth, when your lips have fused to themselves. I like how the body always closes things back up.

I can't believe I have become one of those people whose eye twitches when they are stressed out. When I think of eye twitches Jason Alexander fucking belly flops into my mind. I keep getting told that I'm anal, but I think I'm just stubborn. whatever. what can I even say that's not already been said. 

oh and um... SPRING BREAK!!!!!!

it's magic

little big world!! i'm going to hell.

i want to join a circus where humans and animal are friends! and then paint rainbows with non toxic markers and edible noodle art. i want to braid a cloud's hair and whisper sonnets into the fluffy ears of a fox, explain life to the trees and finally walk hand in hand, on hands, with a horse.

what?

Quand le monde est...

boom

i'm really looking forward to summer. i miss my bike, and will be in need of something spectacular to replace it. I'm thinking gold... whoood a thought.

i have a really disgusting bruise on my arm, like a fuckin hockey puck. wha happen! I can't stop writing everything down, and have started carrying this small manual around with me. It is a field guide to fox trapping, but I'm just using the margins. in about two weeks when it's full, that shits poppin in the mail to Mr. Pointanddeliver. point and deliver meaning pointing my finger in the phonebook and then mailing a packing which will then be deliverED to unhhh s-q-nobody. nothing makes sense aloud anymore.

i want a better relationship with an animal. oh gaaawd i want a puppy.

erry day now.

In an attempt to grasp some sort of consistency in my life, I will approach ummm yeah.

I saw a heard a car accident outside my window on Thursday. It sounded like when I knocked over my grandma's curio cabinet, except there were not bits of fake hair from porcelain dolls to muffle the explosion. This separation of noises carried the effect of going down a steep hill on your bike. My stomach sinks again at the thought.

Today has been a melancholy sort of ordeal, but the sun is on my back and there are smarmy tour groups in my face, adding to the delusion that I am not alone. Also- if I see one more god damn ShopKo backpack I'm going to fucking lose it. but uhhh doooooooood.

I'm in the middle of making a feather dress right now, but am flirting with frumpy in the idea that I will either look like I'm molting, or big bird's fucking slutty hoodrat. we'll see. I can't remember how I became like this.

This week:

1. headbands

2. taxes

3. guacamole

4. Schopenhauer

n. sweater.

I am off to a nice new venture. MEGALOMANIA!!!!

forrow your dreams, son.

if only I had an attention span.

Bad Case Of Diarhea

I'm feeling particularly optimistic as of late. 

poopmouth

i would like to thank sarah for personally insulting our entire family.