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well well well, April. You sure are a bitch, aren't you?

last night I was in Sioux Falls staying at my parents' house and B-nizz (mom) and I decided to go hot tubbing. I didn't have a swim suit with me, but since I had been heavily drinking whiskey for the previous two hours, I didn't really have any qualms with going naked. thankfully b-nizz is a bigger lush than I am, and didn't have a problem with my lack of attire. 

So: we make one more drink and after an extremely awkward submersion, we are tubbin! b-nizz gets sick of it after about twenty minutes but fuck dood, I still have half a drink left so I opt to stay. B-nizz forgot her towel, so she had to borrow mine to go inside, taking it only with a promise of pinky swear magnitude to return it after she dried off inside.

fast forward twenty minutes.

Drink is gone. Towel is still gone. I have given up on B but am now hankerin for a cigarette. I figure, it's one in the morning, everyone is asleep; I can just run inside quick, grab a towel and a smoke, and be back in the water, no problem. 

well.

To my absolute horror: the door is locked. B-nizz is a drunk bitch and locked the door behind her, having NO intention of returning my towel and apparently not giving a shit that she has left me outside. NAKED.

after procuring a small sapling for coverage and pounding the shit out of my sister's window to no avail, I am forced to go to go to our front fucking door and start a knockin. and and and who of course has to be the one to get out of bed?

MY GOD DAMN FATHER

so:

1. drunk

2. nipples

3. awkward

happy easter.

fever sprouts

i have been having the strangest dreams as of late, of i couldn't be happier. I was stuck in the mud as far as my celestial adventures were concerned, so it's about god damn time. i think it's all the broccoli that I've been eating.

last night was illuminating, to say the least. I'm excited to kick my own as these next two months. business time, bub.

hollow resonation in my heart

 birthday present, please. not that i'll be getting any, because i have been nothing short of an asshole as of late. 

must be all the 40zzzzzzzzz

i am vurry curry happy and that is all that i can say.

she's not a tramp, her name is judy

This has been the best few days in a long time. for myself, it reclaims a confidence in existence, the reassurance that I'm going to be just fine. I'm looking forward to new things, new people, fuckin see ya dood. 

i think i'm losing my hearing, or maybe i just have a sinus infection. sometimes i worry that i am a hypochondriac. i keep finding things wrong with myself that are normal, and then next thing you know, i have a bug bite on a bruise and turns out it's leukemia. webMD has put me on the tracks son.

I had four cigarettes yesterday and two today. HA! this is easy.

you've always been a television actress!

i had a staring contest with myself today, in the sense that i wanted to see how long i could keep my eyes open without blinking, and I found it easier to not blink if you are focusing on something that isn't moving, nothing too distracting. crouching on the couch, i just stared into my mirror. i only got to about two minutes because my eyes were so dry, but fuck. there reached a point, where i felt myself panicking, and becoming overwrought with doubt. Every time I moved my eye, I couldn't tell if i was closing it, or just moving it. I started breathing really shallowly, and then my eye started twitching! I felt my nose start to flare, but fought to contain myself because I have come to realize how disarming it is. I'm not saying that I think I am synonymous with nose flaring, but more that it allows people to read me too easily, since they've learnt my tics, because I am always mad. 

as I'm really starting to feel like I'm going to lose it, my vision started going blurry. I felt like i was slowly unzipping my face. I felt transient in my skin, and became immediately aware how chapped my lips were. that's when you have to dart your tongue out of your mouth, when your lips have fused to themselves. I like how the body always closes things back up.

I can't believe I have become one of those people whose eye twitches when they are stressed out. When I think of eye twitches Jason Alexander fucking belly flops into my mind. I keep getting told that I'm anal, but I think I'm just stubborn. whatever. what can I even say that's not already been said. 

oh and um... SPRING BREAK!!!!!!

it's magic

little big world!! i'm going to hell.

i want to join a circus where humans and animal are friends! and then paint rainbows with non toxic markers and edible noodle art. i want to braid a cloud's hair and whisper sonnets into the fluffy ears of a fox, explain life to the trees and finally walk hand in hand, on hands, with a horse.

what?

Quand le monde est...

boom

i'm really looking forward to summer. i miss my bike, and will be in need of something spectacular to replace it. I'm thinking gold... whoood a thought.

i have a really disgusting bruise on my arm, like a fuckin hockey puck. wha happen! I can't stop writing everything down, and have started carrying this small manual around with me. It is a field guide to fox trapping, but I'm just using the margins. in about two weeks when it's full, that shits poppin in the mail to Mr. Pointanddeliver. point and deliver meaning pointing my finger in the phonebook and then mailing a packing which will then be deliverED to unhhh s-q-nobody. nothing makes sense aloud anymore.

i want a better relationship with an animal. oh gaaawd i want a puppy.